Seven Western Cocktails
By Stark Holborn
Posted on December 7, 2014 in Hodderscape Advent with tags Stark Holborn, Westerns
Welcome to Stark’s bar! Yule time is upon us, and you varmints are looking thirstier than a blue-nosed mule in dust storm. How’s about a lil of the oh-be-joyful, or a cup of popskull to cut the dust? Y’all take a seat in this here deadfall. We only serve authentic, Old West libations here. Now, let me read you the menu…
1. Feelin’ a sorrier than a wet hen from the night before? Lemme fix you a Prairie Oyster. Worcestershire sauce, hot sauce, salt, pepper, pinch of cayenne and a raw egg. Good for what ails you.
2. What’s that? You’re feelin’ better? Ain’t that a daisy. How’s about a Stone Fence? Don’t make that face, it’s only 2 ounces of rye dropped into a glass of hard cider. Good for a hearty breakfast, I say.
3. You want something with more substance? How ’bout a Whistle-Belly-Vengeance? I’ll take this here sour, gone-off ale and mix it with stale bread, and some molasses and heat it up for you on the stove. It’s like porridge, but… not.
4. Feelin’ fruity? You need a Mule Skinner. That’s bourbon and blackberry liquor to you, pard.
5. Oh? Ready for the hard stuff? Then a Coffin Varnish is for you, also known as Tangleleg or Tarantula Juice. I’ll warn you now, this here drink were drunk by folk more desperate than y’all, and it’d be mighty foolish to try it at home. Savvy? Alright, pass me the raw alcohol, burnt sugar, and chewing tobacco. Maybe I’ll throw a lil’ gunpowder and turpentine in for flavour.
6. Alright, alright you old corncrackers. You want a real drink, not some rotgut aguardiente? Fine. This one is safe as houses… depending on how many y’all drink that is. The Mark Twain: 1 1/2 ounces whiskey, 3/4 ounce lemon juice, 1 ounce sugar syrup, 2 shakes of Angostura bitters. Muddle it up, serve in a cold glass.
7. To finish, it’ll have to be my all-time personal favourite cocktail. I call it the Holborn: Take some bourbon. Drink it. Straight outta the bottle. Y’all are welcome.